she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
