So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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