I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize