5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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