I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
