In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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