all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
