Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
