I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
