Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
