if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize