I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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