I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
