Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
