It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
