There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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