he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
