we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
