Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize