I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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