$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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