I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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