I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
