i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
