So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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