Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
