yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
