fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
