Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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