nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
