when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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