I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
