I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
