I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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