i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
