He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
