so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
