just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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