she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
