so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
