I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
