anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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