I wish my penis had an off switch
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
