i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
