Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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