Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think my vagina is haunted
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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