I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
