1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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