WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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