found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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