I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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