fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
