When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
