Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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