I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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