I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
