I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
