does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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