My hand turned me down
dude i'm inner monologue high
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Randomize
