i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
