I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
