I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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